May 27, 2008

Dear A,   

I realize the only way I can really move on is if I make amends.  I know I have not handled our break-up in the healthiest way possible.  My usual reaction when I think I am being put into a corner is to come out fighting or to at least come out shouting: “I’M RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG”.  That way of thinking has only made me angrier.  Sadly, I know that my desire to be right was a major fault of mine in our entire relationship.  I also know that many times I was the one who pushed me in a corner to begin with.

I now know that our problems were as much my responsibility as they were yours.  I wish we spent as much time working to solve the issues as we did trying to cover them up.  In the last years our marriage was more “push and pull” than “give and take.”  But we were not always this way. 

I remember some really good times and I have many fond memories. I hope you do too.  I hope that you will focus on those memories rather than the ones that are painful.  I am working to let go of the pain and release my suffering.  I truly hope you will do the same. 

My first reaction upon hearing you are creating a life with someone else was resentment and anger.  Now I know this was because I didn’t want you to be happy – I wanted you to be in pain.  The days I sat around and cried, I wanted you to be doing the same.  I wanted to punish you.  This was hurtful and I see now that this kind of persecution would do nothing but continue the problems we had in our marriage.  I do not want to repeat this, for the kids’ sake, and for ours.   

I do not resent that you have someone new in your life.  I do hope that you take time to really find out who you are. It is my goal to be the best I can be; for myself, my kids, my family, and my job and for any future relationships I might have. It is my prayer that you will find the happiness you are looking for.

I will admit that I have a difficult time dealing with loneliness.  I know that you probably haven’t experienced that like I have.  However, it has been in times that I was lonely that I discovered things about me that I had forgotten or that I didn’t know existed.  So although I have been sad, I’m grateful I’ve found “ME” in this.

In the bible I’m reminded that “My Happiness is in the LORD!”  It is through Him that I can be happy.  It is also through Him that I can forgive.  He gives the ultimate picture of forgiveness in sending his Son to die on the cross for the sins of the world.  I am releasing the anger that I’ve held.  I cannot hold on to it any longer.  It is not healthy. It will not make me happy.  It will not strengthen me in any other aspect of my life.  The anger I have felt will only hinder me from moving on from this time in my life. I forgive you for everything.  I ask for your forgiveness as well. 

Love,
A
Taylorsville, NC

When I was twelve, and you were fifteen, you asked me to perform oral sex on you.  I didn’t do what you asked me to, but I did touch you even though I didn’t want to. I’m  responsible for that and I apologize for not just telling you to leave my room. I was very afraid.

I’ve blamed you for my own actions and hated you for yours. I also made several conclusions about myself, my worth, and my future in relationships as a result of this incident.  Today, I realize that none of what I concluded about myself were true and the conclusions I made about you were not true either.  Now, I wonder if maybe you were hurt by someone else.  I'm so sorry if this happened.  I forgive you. 

I forgive myself for my actions as well.  I also no longer think I'm wrong for what I did, or for trying sex with men when I was in my twenties. I know I’m not gay or bisexual now.  I used to think that men were out to get me, and now know this is not true. 

I'm so sorry we hurt each other.  I want our brotherhood to be restored and want it to grow deeper than it was before this happened.  I no longer hold you responsible for my actions, nor my thoughts and feelings.  I love you and forgive both of us.  I'm committed to us moving beyond this drama, out of the past and forward into a future filled with friendship and love.

Love, from your brother,

D.

Charlotte, NC

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April 2008  

I am writing this letter to myself.  In the past, I have been unfair to myself in so many ways. Today, I declare  that I forgive myself completely.

For always telling myself I wasn't good enough whenever bad things happened – I FORGIVE MYSELF. I told myself I didn't deserve the good things in life, or that I was incapable of making good things happen in my life. I stopped myself from going for so many things that I wanted to experience in life because of this. Then I would believe I was always missing out on something, but it was because I would react to those thoughts and do nothing.

I believed what I told myself – that I wasn't smart enough, good looking enough, or that I came from the wrong family, and I just didn't have what it takes. And in turn I hated myself for those thoughts, I believed those thoughts defined who I really was. I would always listen to them,, always fearful that the world would reject me if they saw the real me.  I realize now that these were just thoughts, and they are NOT the truth. They may have come from fear, or not getting what I thought I wanted, or in some strange way believing I was protecting myself. I know now that believing those thoughts impacted the way I felt about myself. I know that all those struggles I had in my head were just thoughts, and in no way reflected the person that I really am.

 I also forgive myself for the pride, and “better than other people” attitude that I carried sometimes. I know now I am where I should be, and it's a great place to be. The pain of believing those thoughts has brought me to the place that I am now.   I am a part of something bigger than me, and my purpose is a lot larger than those negative thoughts. I NOW forgive myself, knowing that I did the best I knew how to do. I NOW accept who I am, instead of judging myself. NOW  I don't have to be perfect, I just need to enjoy the ride.

I am a Child of God and I am forgiven.  And for that I am grateful.

Love From Your Higher Self,
L