June 6, 2008
To the Critical Part of Me,
I forgive you. I forgive you for lashing out in fear and anger because you felt betrayed by those you loved. I forgive you for disappearing inside yourself, going through life as a shell. I forgive you for wanting to be invisible permanently. I forgive you for thinking you were not worthy to be part of life, of earth, of God. I forgive you for the times you thought you deserved to be punished and the times you punished yourself. I forgive you for the walls you put up trying to prevent even more pain from being stored behind them. I forgive you for the tantrums you pitched when you really only wanted to be able to tell the truth. I forgive you for the tears you held within hoping you would eventually drown. I forgive you for the stoic silence you displayed when your mind was screaming for release. I forgive you for surviving the abuse the only way you knew how.
J
Marion, NC
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April 23, 2008
Dad,
I feel awkward writing to you, since I never have before. Your death still leaves me with sadness. I guess you knew when you were in the hospital the last time that you weren’t coming home ever again. It was so hard, seeing you – the person I always looked up to, always the strong one – sitting there on the edge of the hospital bed, so weak and somehow so alone, even when I was there. I know you loved me. You know I loved you.
Something went wrong between us years ago – we grew apart, and didn’t seem to have much in common. But, there were so many things I remember us doing together! I remember the camping trips we took together – especially to the mountains. The two fishing trips we took at the beach, catching blue-claw crabs, mackerel, pier fishing. One of my favorite things to do at the beach is to sit on the pier, fishing most of the night – I got that from you. We did a lot of fishing, you and I. You helped me make a camping spot behind the house in the woods – I can still picture that in my mind. And, boy, you could fix anything – I can still see all the evidence of that around the house.
Dad, I know you tried your best. I regret that we went so many years without telling each other the simplest of words, like "I Love You." I miss you so much sometimes, and I know J does too! J and I have started having a real relationship!
Dad, thank you for the inheritance that you gave us – I know it will be a real blessing in the future! April 22, 2008
Once again, Dad -
I love you!
D
Hickory, NC
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Dear P,
Even though you have been out of my life for 18 years, the judgment I have held against you has been kept alive all of this time, and I am finally willing to let it go.
When we were in college, I allowed you to stay in my apartment for a few weeks because you didn’t have anywhere to live. One night, I woke up to find you in my bed, touching me sexually and whispering in my ear. I reacted angrily and told you to leave the house, saying I would call the police if you didn’t. You threatened to kill yourself, and I told you to go ahead, just not to do it in my house. After this incident, I was very depressed and angry at men. I blamed you for “tainting” my sophomore year, and from that point on, I took on the role of “victim” in my other relationships.
Today, I can see that I unknowingly played a role in this painful experience. I am not blaming myself, nor am I relieving you of your responsibility. It is up to you to choose for yourself your responsibility in the matter. Rather, I am taking responsibility for my part -- and in doing so, I believe I am doing what Gandhi spoke of: "Being the change" I wish to see in the world. I know that if everyone took responsibility for their role in the painful experiences they have, the world would not be in such a state of suffering.
You and I had been dating prior to this, and I had not been straight with you about not wanting to be with you anymore. I can see that you still held on to hope that we could be together, and I see this incident could have been your way of trying to make that happen. I also realize now is that I used you for emotional security, and for transportation to and from campus, since my car had died. This was not honest and it was not respectful to you. I am sorry.
I apologize for treating you disrespectfully, for using you and then blaming you for hurting me. Today, I see that you were not trying to hurt me. You were doing what you knew to do in an attempt to continue a romantic relationship with me – and while your methods were not appropriate, they were all you knew.
I send you prayers of healing and peace.
Love,
L
